What You Have

Every time I see what you have, I’m reminded of what I don’t have.

That breaks my heart.

It’s not what I don’t have that makes me sad.

It’s the fact that in your happiness you don’t notice how unhappy I am.

But to be honest, I don’t want you to notice. 

If you did I think I would die. 

I couldn’t take it, living in my sadness knowing you knew.

I’d rather you were happy, blissfully. 

Just be happy.

Just be happy.

That’s all that matters to me.

I can’t choose between you and I. 

It’s too hard. 

I will always choose you. 

Always.

No matter what.

If you’re happy, even if I’m not, that’s what I live for.

It might seem selfless.

But maybe it’s actually selfish.

Maybe it’s because I am afraid to face my issues, my demons, the things that make me sad.

Maybe.

But I still love you.

More than you’ll know.

That little voice with all those suggestions

I hate that little voice.

The one that tells me I’m not enough.

The one that tells me I will never make it.

The one that tells me I don’t matter.

The one that tells me I should give up.

The one that tells me I should kill myself.

As long as I never listen…

I can overcome…

Who am I fooling?

No matter how soft.

No matter how quiet.

That voice.

Will always be there.

Whispering.

Suggesting.

Intimating.

Kill yourself.

Kill.

You.

Gone.

Done.

Over.

Kill.

You.

Love is on its Way

Such a lovely fortune.

Tempted to believe it’s a lie.

How could it be true if this life is damned with emptiness?

Isn’t love a lie?

An elixir concocted by some scheming mind who knew making a penny off a warm, fuzzy heart is easier than  coaxing candy from a baby.

That pedantic pronunciation of three little words which alone mean nothing.

I.

Love.

You.

I am selfish.

Love is a lie.

You are no one.

But wait…

Why must it be a lie?

Let a cookie say what it wants?

You alone are enough.

Even if I do not know your face yet.

Hurry, my dear, hurry to me.

The fires of hell stir ever nearer.

Dramatics.

Circus act.

Nothing but the best for the ghost that stole my heart.

Nonsense.

You think?

I am insane.

Love need not be, it just is.

You are everyone.

Resolution.

Caution to the wind.

There is no turning back.

Ease this steed of wonder onward.

Dust.

Horizon.

I.

You.

Us.

We are plain.

We are love.

Not Alone

It is in those moments that we find ourselves woven in this fabric of time.

We sleep fitfully knowing we must wake, conscious of the other world we still have no claim over.

But what?

What if this world we sleep within is merely the tangible but we have yet to discover that?

What if the world we think our own, where we have individual identities…

What if that were the illusion?

Powerful.

Extreme.

Exactly​.

Dreamworld.

Guilt

Overwhelmed. 

The fire is so hot breath is stolen away.

This is not passion.

Suffocation.

The burden of the situation is burned in the mind, leaving a black footprint.

Still, invisible. 

Hidden.

The responsibility to do no harm is stronger than any fantasy of comfort.

Fantasy.

Dream.

Wish.

Unresolved desire.

No request.

Entered unbidden.

Rude.

Please knock next time.

Request ignored.

This war could so easily be won if mind and body and soul would concede one to another.

If what?

How dare you?

To believe in such fairy tales that wear the sheep’s clothing also known as “quick fix”.

Vulgar.

Fix.

This is no addiction.

Delusion.

The pain glows like nails under the skin. The blood trickles, clear, not shockingly red. The only solution, makes sense, how else does no one see?

Ask.

Help.

Reach out.

Hands extend.

Nothing. Darkness. They let me fall. They can do no more. Their eyes are blind. Their lying eyes.

Failed.

Never.

Ask.

Again.

Never.

Burden.

Again.

Free. Free. So nearly free.

Wild, not like the wind, like the calm

Free.

Freed.

Freedom.

This state that is so satisfying. This being that is so freeing. Repetition never tasted so good.

Repeat.

Wash.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Don’t let the past rule the future. Wild and free. The motto she lives by.

Unfettered.

Unshackled.

The prison reaches only extend as far as they are allowed. Courage rests in the hands of those who seize it.

Carpe diem.

Swimming against the current, destined for a brighter future. Fighting through the waves of popular opinion, for the future. Their future.

Can’t have peace without war.

Calm.

She opens her eyes, finds the horizon, follows the sunset, howls at the moon.

Wild.

Beast.

Primal.

Instinct.

It’s what we do. It’s what she does. With the deadly calm comes the rage, the inferno, the passion to forge ahead.

Fire.

It burns alive inside of each and every soul.

Consuming.

Motivating.

We are but demons tortured by humanity.

Not Aimless, Not Lost, Lonely.

Don’t know what to do.

Useless.

Helpless.

Don’t know where to go.

Clumsy.

Awkward.

Don’t know what to say.

Silent.

Silence.

That’s all there is to it. If only there was an easy answer. If only the mystery could be solved quickly.

Solitude.

That’s not what’s wanted. That’s what’s received.

Given.

Taken.

Pride.

No desire, can’t ask for company.

Burden.

 

There’s Nothing Like You

Craving you.

That’s all.

Your invisible smile.

Your imaginary body.

Your see through heart.

What kind of inspiration would it take to materialize you? To what end would patience expend itself before you would appear, opaque, existent?

Craving you.

Craving you.

Sounds like a song.

A long lost dream.

A faraway memory.

Is it insanity to want what doesn’t exist? If at times there are standards for any mortal to aspire to then that’s what it is. A dream.

Just a dream.

A feeling.

A desire.

No matter how much I get…

Craving you…

In all fairness, they say you can’t hold a body to the same morals you hold yourself to. Why? Shouldn’t every tower try to stretch as high as it can? Even if it is only two feet tall?

We should.

Should.

Could.

Would.

Did.

Want to be the best we could be. Somewhere along that forked line someone lost their way and others followed. Somehow, being the very best was going too far and being good enough was too much.

The fence.

Now, everyone’s trying to get over.

Some need help. They don’t get it. Some do.

Some help others over. Sometimes they make it. Sometimes they don’t.

Most of them…

Just sitting on this side, waiting for nothing, no trying.

Falling short of the mark.

Expectation.

Reality.

All the very best got over. Only the very best get over.

But…

They aren’t on the side where reality seems to pervade the minds of those sitting on their rears contemplating never trying.

To those thinkers, the ones who got over…

Well…

There’s no way. It’s a lie. They can’t exist.

So…

That’s why you don’t exist. The very best is going too far. Good enough is asking too much.

But…

There’s nothing like you.

Nothing.

Truly.

Swear.

Get over that fence one day.

For me.

For us.

I need you.

I’m lonely.

Hurry.